Update

It's obviously been years since I've posted. I've always thought of this as a space to air my thoughts so I wasn't concerned about blogging consistently. Anyways...
In 2010 I enrolled in community college.
In 2012 I graduated with my AA. And also got admittance to both 4 year universities I applied to.
Now, I'm at my dream college studying Psychology.

The kids have hit some rough patches. My son recovered well and am praying and hoping we're past it...well at least until the hormones hit. My daughter has not fared so well...she's battling a really tough patch that I'm hoping will soon pass.

My health has changed for the better...my last neuro visit she noticed as she put it, "you're in a much different place than the last time I saw you". What she was noticing was the blessings. I overcame a divorce, a chronic health condition set back and am living my 2nd chance to the fullest. I'm off all MS meds for the summer as we reassess what the progress of my disease is. And as we contend with the changes of the pituitary cyst/tumor.

As for my personal life...there's been many an options that have presented themselves. I'm somewhat ashamed to say that I actually entertained a few of them. Yet the one I will never regret has been part of the past for the last 3 years but the memory of him lingers and haunts my thoughts, dreams and sleep less nights. This reality is one I've been wrestling with. How could God allow someone that draws me away from Him to trouble my thoughts and peace?

New Reality over the Holidays

This is the 1st holiday w/out my ex and it was a tough one. On top of the fact that there was a fallin out with my gma and aunts/uncles so our traditional xmas eve celebration was cancelled. Drama!!! So done w/ it. I did have to plan ahead to make sure MS didn't cut my holiday celebration short. I rested all day xmas eve to be able to have dinner @ my best friend's place with my kids. Then we headed off to my aunt's place for a bit of family time. Xmas morning was spent @ my mom's place to finish off doing the rounds. Then they got to spend xmas day with the in-laws. That evening I met w/ my ex to discuss kids and the finalization of our separation. That was the most painful and heart wrenching conversation I've ever had. He won't even sit down to admit to the kids that it's because he wanted the easy way out that is why were broken up. Guess he's not much of a man, at least in my point of view. If you're going to go as far as refuse counseling cause it's too much work and pain to save your marriage and your family then be man enough to admit that and let your kids know it isn't their Mom whose ruining their lives and breaking up their family. Anyway....

I decided I'm going to sit the kids down w/ or w/out him and explain the new reality to them. They're so confused right now. They don't understand that they're dad and I aren't going to get back together and that the family they used to know is no longer a reality. I'm praying and hoping that GOD and the Holy Spirit will guide me and the words I choose. I need to help my kids deal with the reality of our lives now but, I pray to be able to do it gently and lovingly. I know GOD will provide and care for them to be able to handle all this. It's a painful task to have to shatter the innoncence of your children. Yet it's better than letting them live in a fantasy world and continue to see the world thru rose colored glasses.

So...I just got my monthly dose of my MS meds today. I usually feel tired and fatiqued @ this point of the day after these infusions. Yet today my body is energized and feeling great! I hppe this is a pattern that continues. I've been experiencing headaches and pain more frequently lately. I've also had 3 cold sores in the past 6 mths. I'm trying to schedule time w/ my Neuro so can discuss these issues. Well...it's late and I need to be wise w/ my energy level. I need to reserve some for the rest of the week. Will end here and update again soon.

Energy or Lack of

I haven't been able to maintain my energy level to get thru a day without a nap lately. This occurrence I've observed has been happening consistently after my infusions. So, taking note and hoping this isn't a side affect that is here to say. I'd really rather not add another medication to counteract the side affect of another. And of course typical of the fatique I don't realize it until I hit a wall and I realize I'm extremely tired and must sit and rest or take a nap to get thru the rest of the day. And like others it doesn't interfere w/ the rest I get in the evening. Still as tired at bedtime as I'd normally be. Fatique and increasing occurences of pain seem to be my new companions in the progression of this disease. I feel bad for the kids since our mealtimes have been what's quick and easy and not really special anymore. They really appreciate meal times @ the table as a family and that's been non-existent. Anyway...what to do? Adjusting to new realities will have to be a skill I acquire quickly and can practice well. To top it off I have another stress cold sore. This is the 3rd one in the past 6 months. Might be something I mention to my neuro since happened several times now. They're painful too. Well, guess it's time to start laying out must-do activities and picking out which ones the most important for each day. That way what needs to happen gets done and I don't feel guilty. These are the times I wish I had a partner/spouse to rely on. To help keep the balance and life going since I can't be @ full force. Or should I be thinking "manage to learn to live like this" since this could be my reality?

Holidays

It's been a while since I posted anything here. Life's taken on a "life" of it's own. Got too busy trying to keep up to be able to slow down enough to sit and reflect. Well....I just got done dealing with thanksgiving. This is my first one without Kevin and the kids. Surprisingly, it went well. I ate dinner with my best friend and her family. It was low key. We got dinner prepped and cooking then decided to take a nap. Dinner went well. It was a typical turkey, stuffing, mash potatoe, green bean casserole spread. Of course pumpkin pie for dessert. We decided to go out and enjoy some single gals only time after dinner. So, we danced off the calories from dinner. It was fun E, B, and I just hangin and catchin up on the latest with one another. The band and the music in between was well worth the drive out to our spot. It was a great ending to a relaxed and low key thanksgiving. I did miss the deep fried turkey and sweet potatoe pie I've gotten in the past at the in-laws. Did get that sent home to me from left overs. So, really I didn't completely miss it. I enjoyed another thanksgiving celebration with meatloaf, roasted veggies and baked sweet potatoe the day after with some friends with MS. It was nice. I could be and talk about the MS without feeling like a subject of someone's pity. It was so comforting to be understood and be around with others who get it without having to explain. That was a nice reprive from the typical celebrations. As I look back and think about my hopes and expectations for the holidays I realized I had no expectations and hopes because I didn't want to be disappointed or hurt. I did contemplate spending the holidays with the ex and the in-laws cause a part of me really wasn't ready for holidays as a single woman. In retrospect I'm glad I fought that urge. It was a great way to show the ex that I have moved forward and that my life is going on without him just fine. Now...I'm tryin to close that door of being married and with him and open the new doors of new people in my life. New friendships and new ways to enjoy my time!!!!

friendships

I wasn't goin to blog about my day since not too much exciting happened but, nevertheless I know life w/ MS isn't always going to be exciting. When the days are just typical those I also consider victories cause life w/ MS isn't ever typical. So, my day was full. I've finally got the energy back that I'm used to having. Figured out how to deal w/ the pain and now trying to stay active so the fatique will not be an issue. Use it or loose it as the saying goes. I went to a conference where a Neuro felt that the more active the lifestyle the less challenges one will have w/ fatique. So, testing out that theory. Had a great visit w/ my Physiatrist (PT w/ a medical degree). She and I came up w/ a plan for dealing w/ the excruciating and debilitating pain that is the most recent symptom to tackle w. the MS. Since it was sunny out and I had energy I decided to pick up my daughter from school and offer to go for a walk w/ her. She wasn't up for the walk so we went to a visit a friend instead. That was nice. To catch up w/ my friend who I've missed and haven't been able to visit due to the fatique and pain. Then got to pick up my son from school and allowed him time to play in the playground which he doesn't get to do anymore because I usually am not well enough to be there. So, his mode of transportation is the school bus which leaves right after school. Needless to say I wore myself out before I knew it and wasn't able to make an info. meeting I had wanted to attend this evening. No worries. Can get all that info in the mail. Rested up and made dinner for the kids and spent some time listening to music and reading. So, then I get a second burst of energy and decide to go out for a late nite meal with a friend. Wow!!! Was I glad I did that. I had so much to say and just vent about and get off my chest that I feel lighter now after that visit. I think this new friend will be a positive influence and the male influence and perspective I've been hoping for. Totally platonic but, very supportive. So, I'm excited and looking forward to tomorrow.

Romance

The hardest part of these past 2 years with MS has been doing it alone. Eventhough my husband had asked for out on our marriage before the diagnosis he decided to stay when we found out about the MS. He asked me, "what do you want from me?" I said I needed him there for the kids. He did that. Amazingly and successfully. What I really wanted to say was, "I need you to fight for this marriage so I have someone to go thru this with!" I wanted to scream that. I didn't. I was afraid to be disappointed. I was afraid to want what he couldn't give. That is the one conversation I wish I could do over. The one part in dealing with the reality of MS I wish I could take back. Would it have worked even if I did have the guts to say that? I don't know. Honestly he stayed around for as long as he could stand I think only to lessen his guilt. To not be thought of as the jerk who walked out on his wife when she needed him the most. And even when he was around he couldn't be bothered by the MS. He couldn't be bothered to stay around during the ER visit to give me a ride home. Work was more important. After all who was going to pay for the ER bill he said. I don't know. Do I want to do that conversation over thinking I'd be in a different spot now if I had said what I needed to? Maybe. Do I really believe GOD can't undo that mistake on my part if that was part of the plan? I know HE can. I just don't know if it's part of the plan. The challenge in having a faith is trusting that HE knows best and HE will reveal the plan @ the time when I can handle the reality. I know the reality I want....to not be alone!!! To have a partner on my side thru all this. Yet, did HE close one door only to open another? Or is that door closed temporarily only to be opened later when the molding is done? I read a saying once that basically says that when we search for answers we have to be ok that @ the end of the search we don't get an answer. That the answer will come only when we're able and ready to accept it. But that ultimately we have to be ok with not knowing the answers to all our questions. This is my reality. To be ok with not knowing the answer to, " will I be battling MS on my own?"

Mortality

When we take the time to think of our mortality do our priorities change? Do we have a clearer view of what's important? Do we start living differently? I don't know. Ever since I was diagnosed with MS I've been renavigating and negotiating a new perspective. I've learned to care less about what people think and just live every moment to it's fullest. I've learned to live outside of the box. I've learned that being always "good" isn't really living. So, then I realized that my life won't necessarily end sooner because I have an incurable disease but, that the quality of the life I may be living in the future may not be so great. So...what do I do with that reality? There's a part of me that wants to push it out of my mind until I have to deal with. To not borrow trouble before it's here. That part of me also reminds me to enjoy the good days to it's fullest when they're here and don't allow the bad days to win. Then I look @ my kids. I'm amazed!!! I'm blessed to have been able to be part of two lives who've enriched me so much more than I realized. Then I get to thinking....is it selfish to want to continue to reproduce even now knowing I may be passing on this disease? Is that kind of thinking borrowing trouble before it's here?