Romance

The hardest part of these past 2 years with MS has been doing it alone. Eventhough my husband had asked for out on our marriage before the diagnosis he decided to stay when we found out about the MS. He asked me, "what do you want from me?" I said I needed him there for the kids. He did that. Amazingly and successfully. What I really wanted to say was, "I need you to fight for this marriage so I have someone to go thru this with!" I wanted to scream that. I didn't. I was afraid to be disappointed. I was afraid to want what he couldn't give. That is the one conversation I wish I could do over. The one part in dealing with the reality of MS I wish I could take back. Would it have worked even if I did have the guts to say that? I don't know. Honestly he stayed around for as long as he could stand I think only to lessen his guilt. To not be thought of as the jerk who walked out on his wife when she needed him the most. And even when he was around he couldn't be bothered by the MS. He couldn't be bothered to stay around during the ER visit to give me a ride home. Work was more important. After all who was going to pay for the ER bill he said. I don't know. Do I want to do that conversation over thinking I'd be in a different spot now if I had said what I needed to? Maybe. Do I really believe GOD can't undo that mistake on my part if that was part of the plan? I know HE can. I just don't know if it's part of the plan. The challenge in having a faith is trusting that HE knows best and HE will reveal the plan @ the time when I can handle the reality. I know the reality I want....to not be alone!!! To have a partner on my side thru all this. Yet, did HE close one door only to open another? Or is that door closed temporarily only to be opened later when the molding is done? I read a saying once that basically says that when we search for answers we have to be ok that @ the end of the search we don't get an answer. That the answer will come only when we're able and ready to accept it. But that ultimately we have to be ok with not knowing the answers to all our questions. This is my reality. To be ok with not knowing the answer to, " will I be battling MS on my own?"